CLEAN JOKES
Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch
"Flower" Joke
Harry and Barbra’s marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they hear about a marriage seminar being given in their
neighborhood they decide to attend. “One of the most important things in marriage”, said the speaker, “is to get to really know your
spouse well. For example,” continued the speaker, “How many of you know what’s your wife’s favorite type of flower?” Harry leaned
over to Barbara and whispered, “it’s gold medal all-purpose flour isn’t it?”
CHEAP CHRISTMAS PRESENT
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
A Christmas Poem For Mom
For all the nights you stayed up late
to trim the Christmas tree,
For all the costly presents
That you purchased just for me...
For all the times you tucked me in
And read me stories too,
For all the ways you cheered me up
When I was feeling blue...
For all the cookies that you baked
And stockings that you stuffed,
For all the messes you cleaned up
And pillows that you fluffed...
For all the days you loved me,
Even when I made it hard,
For all these things,
and much,much more...
Here's a Christmas card!
(Kinda makes it all seem worth it,
doesn't it,Mom?...Mom?)
Merry Christmas!
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs
and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs
and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."